Oenology and Oh-no-logy

I went wine tasting today with a couple of friends and was amused, as always, by the descriptions of the wines provided by the vineyard:

Luna Vineyard 2005 Cabernet Sauvignon
"The deep blackberry color carries through on the nose, mingled with cedar and tea leaves. On the palate, there are more black fruits and graphite combined with excellent intensity..."

Mmm graphite.... Then I figured, I can write that! Here goes...

2006 Pinot Grigio
Deep euchre with a few streaks of chartreuse, this wine looks like a Middle Eastern sunrise in the springtime. With the scent of a newborn golden retriever puppy, it approaches the tongue tentatively, tantalizing the tip with three or possibly four types of cherry, before dominating the palate with creme de cacao and cinnamon. It has a strong, dusty finish that leaves the mouth feeling both dehydrated and extremely satisfied. This wine peaked like two years ago and should no longer be consumed.

2007 Cabernet Sauvignon
With the somber carmine color of gingivitis-ravaged gums, this wine approaches the nose with verve and anticipation. It leaps into your nostrils with the scent of powdery old people and then softens into the chalky nostalgia of childhood. Upon the tongue it is a creamy rendition of eggnog gently mixed with crunchy under-ripe papaya. It ends on sour gummy bears and tears. Thirty seconds later, it restarts with a chewy coda of caramel and cotton candy, before once again descending into the bitter taste of despair. This wine continues to age despite its overstay and should peak around 2050 when you've forgotten you even have it.

2004 Merlot
Although deceptively quiet, when given a brisk swirl this wine has the legs of a Las Vegas showgirl. Its rich infrared color and thick syrupy texture make for a curious contradiction only matched by the juxtaposition of the scent of blueberry nectar and the stings of honeybees. The tongue appreciates this wine best with pie, especially rhubarb pie.